12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
