$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
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I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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