I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
