if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
