im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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