Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
