I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
