Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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