So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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