Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
