I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
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I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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