i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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