So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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