I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
