I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You were trust falling into bushes
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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