When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
