I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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