I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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