The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
