Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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