In the future we'll all be gay
My pussy is not your playground.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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