You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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