You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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