We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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