she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.