If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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