I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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