I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You can't motorboat a personality
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
