At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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