just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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