oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
