Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
