I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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