i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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