Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I believe in your delicious
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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