God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
