if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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