this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
