have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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