I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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