talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
