I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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