Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
