i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
