i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
