I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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