I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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