Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
