On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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