I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just cut my nipple shaving
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
