Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
