spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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