Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Vodka?
Forever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
