She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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