I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
