can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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