I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Girls should come with a carfax report
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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