Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
