I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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